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[Sep. 20th, 2007|09:09 am] |
 What I've learned from loss: love what you have with all of your heart... while you have it. |
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| apocalyptic visions |
[Aug. 13th, 2007|01:23 am] |
I know in limiting my writing right now to only my strangest dreams any gentle readers might find some concern, but the things I can't understand remain the vital interests in my life. After a discussion with Bethany on the fundamentals of fundamentalism with its black and white morality and falling into a deep sleep at the same time a storm was brewing outside knocking out the electricity, I entered into a dreamscape of barren and rugged canyons. An incredible and elegant amount of detail is now lost to me, but I remember being told a sign of the apocalypse included the baptism of animals, a very odd detail indeed, but it served a dramatic purpose as later in the dream I ran across a couple poor elderly farmers who mentioned baptising their rooster out of some sense of emptiness, and a flurry of panic set in, as in all hell breaking loose. I merged into a sort of exodus, desperately spreading warnings of doom and a need for flight. I have an image of closing some sort of cave-like door with the devil literally at my heels and some wretched damned half-formed human clinging to me. It seems a shame to try to describe it as there was such an intricate chain of events and characters involved. I wasn't acting as some sort of raving nut, but as a member of a tribal society who understood my alarm.
What became more fun is the second phase of this dream, where the story was turned into what became described in the pitch delivered to Jay Leno of all people as 'a comedic version of Jesus Christ Superstar'. I was part of a small group trying to turn our cosmic lessons into an original Broadway musical, although a couple of the songs seemed lifted out of 'Godspell'. Nathan Lane was attached. As ludicrous as that sounds, we were making a sincere attempt to find a vehicle to transmit some kind of important vision.
Anyway, aside from these as yet indecipherable details, I think what my subconscious was trying to say was that aside from my willingness to recognize the gray areas of morality, I do believe in absolute evil. I don't think I'm capable of judging anyone's entire life as seems to come more easily to the fundies, but I do believe people can succumb to and be evil. I think it does exist as almost an independent entity in our universal unconsciousness, and I like the Christian construct that it ultimately will be subservient to good.
Yesterday I watched again a psychiatrist explain how the combination of brain injury and abuse can lead to an inability to restrain violent impulses, yet you can explain that to a jury and it won't stop them from a verdict of 1st-degree murder. In a way, I've felt all violence is a form of insanity so its something I've always been interested in. At some point society finally steps in and judges, but we rarely judge the mothers who call beatings 'discipline' for example. Justice on this earth remains a crude and clumsy concept. Blah, blah, blah, my mind rambles onward... |
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| dreamtime |
[Jul. 14th, 2007|03:46 am] |
I was chatting with Bethany and another girl, but kept falling asleep. Long gaps in our conversations appeared as my eyes opened and closed. i remember it was Winter, because at some point Bethany said she wished it would snow, while at the same time I was typing what a perfect new snowfall I was enjoying.
Later she told me she was driving by my apartment, and to look out the window as she'd be standing up in the car waving, but I'd fallen asleep and couldn't wrap my mind around when she had written it. Eventually I took my computer [not a laptop] into the parking lot of my building and started using it from the passenger seat of my car. As if to remind myself what a bad driver I was, I knocked the car into gear and started rolling around the parking lot, narrowly missing other cars until I managed to regain control just in time to steer it perfectly into a spot, like I had meant to all the time.
The scene shifted, appropriately, to my riding a city bus. i was on a vaguely familiar route, unsure where to get off as it headed into the suburbs. I recognized a familiar street a block away and asked a scholarly, bearded gentlemen if our course would take us there, who explained it would, and at some point it would go 20-30 miles without a stop, but by then there would be hardly any passengers and the bus was still full. Reassured that at least I would be able to find my way back, I looked out the window as we approached the place I planned to get off, and noticed a short dirt road leading uphill slightly to a library, and kicked myself for not getting off there, knowing I would not mind any kind of wait, but the distance between the building and the stop might make that difficult too. These are the kinds of calculations I used to make all the time riding these things.
I got off the bus, and found myself in some kind of classroom. Basked in the academic environment, I sat at a desk listening to someone speak intelligently. I even followed the professor as he excused himself down a couple hallways and retrieved another teacher to speak. I paused and pretended to tie my shoe as they doubled back, even though I wasn't made to feel unwelcome. I recall saying some things that made an impression, first displaying a detailed knowledge of oil pipelines and other geographical nicities of the Middle East, and then throwing in a completely atypical comment about using our Navy and troops in Iraq to invade Saudi Arabia, take all their oil to pay for this stupid war, and get the hell out.
The scene shifted, again perhaps appropriately, to an encounter with a tortured psychopath. I cast him as the adult son I'd never met of a handyman friend of mine. This was a long drawn out affair that involved my attempts to reach him on a human level, all the while knowing without his awareness his true nature, and that he was planning to kill me. That pretense ended at some point, with my telling him his father was sleeping in a nearby RV, hoping that his presence would stifle his plans, but not really being sure. He actually was there as I'd seen him earlier, but when the time came to show this killer I couldn't locate him right away. I ended up blocking his exit from this RV after the police had been called holding a kitchen knife in both my hands, as he threatened to kill himself by running straight into it. I believed he was about to at any second and braced myself, but he only made a few token attempts. When a SWAT team arrived with pointed rifles, I shouted "Knife! Knife!" as I saw he was holding his like a gun, hoping the police would shoot him as they stormed the doorway.
All ending well, I sat on my bus for the return trip. I had some weird moments with the driver who tried to change my $100 bill with term papers, LOL, but after that was straightened out I sat back and relaxed, unfolding a sun dress I had purchased at some point! I made a comment to the woman sitting next to me that it seemed plainly cut, but she explained to me that the colors and pattern had a significance, that they were meant for a girl who "would collect junk but know how to fix it". With renewed appreciation of its vibrant colors, it seemed like both a prize and a confirmation of a destiny.
At that point, I was woken by the sound of a lone coyote howling very near my yard, which was followed by the barking and then sympathetic howling of my dogs. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2006|08:48 pm] |
My Personality [yay I have one!]
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Neuroticism
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Extraversion
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Openness To Experience
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Agreeableness
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Conscientiousness
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THIS WAY UP
á |
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Alan has fragile contents which may break!
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From Go-Quiz.com |
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| e=mc2 |
[Apr. 27th, 2006|08:04 pm] |
Some quotes I ran across tonite:
"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." – Albert Einstein
"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education." – Albert Einstein
"I think the big mistake in schools is trying to teach children anything, and by using fear as the basic motivation. Fear of getting failing grades, fear of not staying with your class, etc. Interest can produce learning on a scale compared to fear as a nuclear explosion to a firecracker... I never learned anything at all in school and didn't read a book for pleasure until I was 19 years old." – Stanley Kubrick
"I never let schooling get in the way of my education." – Mark Twain
"If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be." – Joseph Campbell |
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| OK I was bored... and then I wasn't |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|02:17 am] |
This seemed like a good excuse to celebrate getting my 301-disc cd changer back in order, (thank you sharon jo):
Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.
No cheating!
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| random insight |
[Mar. 29th, 2006|01:40 am] |
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When my father died he was listening to Beethoven. I remember him saying years before that Beethoven was too much of an egotist to bear ending anything he wrote. |
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| time for a chinese poem |
[Feb. 6th, 2006|10:43 pm] |
In solitude
sitting in the hidden forest of bamboos.
To the sound of the lute
whistling suspended notes.
In the secrecy of the wood
I see no one.
The bright moon watches me with its light.
The dark void reverberates a profound song.
I sit in peaceful meditation
subduing poison dragons.
~ Wang Wei |
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| RANDOM QUOTE: "When I was faster, I was always behind." ~ Neil Young |
[Jan. 9th, 2006|05:23 pm] |
TELL ME ABOUT YOU
1. name:
2. birthday:
3. place of residence:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. do you read my lj:
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. an interesting fact about you:
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. favourite place to be:
11. favourite lyric:
12. best time of the year:
13. favourite candle scent (sorry I must know):
RECOMMEND
1. a film:
2. a book:
3. a band, a song and an album:
PLUS
1. one thing you like about me:
2. two things you like about yourself:
3. put this in your lj so i can tell you what i think of you.
4. POST A PICTURE OF you |
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| newbie |
[Dec. 18th, 2005|05:40 pm] |
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Not really sure what I'm doing here in this strange new world. I started blogging on xanga back in May and things seem a little quiet there. |
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blujayhill's journal
